In Between Songs

While riding with my parents to Lincoln for Amelia’s birthday, I realized I wasn’t sure if I could relate more with the (horizontal) song, “Fix You” by Coldplay or rely more on this (vertical) song by Kim Walker...

There is no love sweeter than the love you pour on me

There is no song sweeter than the song you sing to me

There is no place that I would rather be

Than here at your feet laying down everything

All to You, I surrender

Everything, every part of me

All to You I surrender all of my dreams, all of me

If worship is like perfume I’ll pour mine out on you

For there is none as deserving of my love like you

So take my hand and draw me into you

I want to be swept away lost in love for you

All to you, I surrender

Everything every part of me

All to you I surrender all of my dreams all of me

All to you, I surrender everything every part of me

All to you, I surrender all of my dreams all of me

I surrender...cause I trust you God

I surrender...cause my hope is you

I surrender...I place all my trust...

I surrender to you God cause your ways are far above mine

No turning back, I’ve made up my mind

I’m giving all of my life this time.

Your love makes it worth it, your love makes it worth it all...

What does it mean for me to trust God with area’s of my life that have no tangibles? Such as relationships. This is what I currently find myself asking. Just coming out of one relationship and trying to move on with healing. Wondering about how long it will take for me to be emotionally healthy or if I am there now?

It seems, in romantic relationships, there is not a tangible process I can enter into to help me move out of one relationship and into another. The only step I can think of would be labeled, “time.” It just takes time to move out of one and on with another. Everyday I feel the longing for this relationship in my life and yet I feel like God has me in a holding place. I’m not far enough removed from my last relationship but don’t know if spending time with another interest is a healthy or foolish decision.

What does surrender in this area look like?

There are so many areas in life that we have no tangible steps to take to just “fix” our problem. I find myself objectifying and rationalizing love--both the love that I receive and the love that I give, and the love that I long for. It’s so hard to trust God and just wait for the person who I will be with for the rest of my life. I have to be ok with not having answers. I have to be ok with being too cautious, and at the same time I have to be ok with taking risks. Do I step out and get to know another person while keeping proper and balanced boundaries to protect each of our hearts? Is it even possible to get to know someone without becoming too attached?...or is that the point?

If I just act on how I feel God is moving me, that would change by the day, if not by the hour. Sometimes I feel really confident that I can wisely take a step in one direction, while the next day I am super insecure about my choices and I just want to revert back to what is comfortable and what I know (maybe that old relationship?).

So I ask, what does it mean to trust or surrender to God?

A Place in the Sun

I stepped away from home for a few days this winter and made a quick flight to Phoenix to visit some friends and spend a day with Jaclyn. When I bought the airline tickets I was not sure how my heart would respond to being back in the dessert after the kind of fall I had in Nebraska. My heart has been longing to be back in PHX for the spring because I love Arizona in March. No better city to live in for the month of March with the smell of orange blossoms in the air, spring training baseball, ultimate frisbee, cool (not hot) pools, and 80 degree temperatures around the clock. No better place in March. I had to go, but I almost didn't. Now, I am glad I did.

The weekend began as every other weekend on Friday evening when I flew in. My friend Brad picked me up and we drove to the REI garage sale where we met Tyler and camped on the sidewalk for the evening. We had a great time and met some cool people. Saturday morning after the garage sale, I met Emily and Herb for lunch downtown. We ate at the Farmer's Market and found a great new coffee shop. I began my Sunday lent celebration a day early and had a small, double, two raw sugar breve. Yumm! Then, after saying goodbye to Herb, Em dropped me off at Brad's place and Tyler joined us in a great conversation about altruism and what the gospel of Jesus really is and can be. We asked many question. I'm not sure we found answers to all the questions we raised but we definitely found solutions. It all usually boils down to a four letter word--love. And that's what those two are doing in with their neighborhood on the west side of the city. I was able to see first hand what was going on with their neighborhood as I helped bring ladders and paint back to storage from a mural they were working on. Kids with mohawks and (gasp) tattoos and piercings working together to paint the gospel on the side of a building.

Let me explain the mural. It begins on the left with a golden road coming out of the mountains, passing the Statue of Liberty and then intertwining with the buildings of PHX. Some of these buildings morph into books with the bottom book labeled "knowledge." There is a pad lock and chain around the city, implicating the city is locked up. On the golden road, back to the left now, are hundreds of people, immigrants walking towards the city from the mountains. Approaching the city near the road stands a church building with many people outside of it waving their arms for the immigrants to come join them inside the church. What it means to me is that the church has it's arms open to all people. The church knows no walls or boundaries...or atleast it's not supposed to. We are called by Jesus to love all people regardless.

Before riding the lightrail from downtown to Mesa to meet Jaclyn, I went to a culture group leaders meeting with Brad. I thought I'd be able to see some old Poiema friends. I had a few nice conversations and even talked with pastor John's wife, Deborah, for a bit. It was good to catch up with those friends that I hadn't seen for so long. Once Jaclyn picked me up, we went out for Sushi at RA. Another Yumm...Spicy Tuna!

On Sunday morning Jaclyn and I ran a 5k. We ran 7/8 of it together and then she left me at the end, but I caught her in the last 100 yards (how far behind I was too) and she beat me by just one second. I ran it in 29:31. We each finished first in our 5 year age group! ...4 in Jac's and one other person in mine. Yeah, I'm that good!

After the race we grabbed breakfast with Emily. She made us a wonderful Egg, Turkey, Spinach, Tomato, Mango, Craisan, and "Bobba-Ganush" hummus omelet wrap. Then we went back to Vern and Melinda's and sat in the community pool hot-tub on a rainy cold afternoon. I bought some grapefruit (8 for $1), and some jalapeno jelly at the Ranch Market. Later that evening Jac and I went to my old Starbucks and had coffee and the best conversation. Just talking about life, love and the details in between. I love that I can do that with her and Julia now. One day, Jared will be there too...not to mention the nephews and nieces.

In the end, it was a much need trip back to the desert to heal and reconnect. I did just that. And I was able to encourage others along the way and make some new friends.